Saturday, April 30, 2011

Pictureless Saturday

No photos today. My Nikon Lens is still in various states of needing to be repaired and I have no clue when that will happen. Going back to a camera phone and my boyfriend's point and shoot feels so wrong.

I usually don't like to post without photos... it's the candy I use to entice people to maybe read. I guess I don't particularly care if people read most of the time anyway, I just hope they like my pictures.

Today though, I just need to vent.

Yesterday I got the dreaded waitlist e-mail for the EATM program that I applied for in December. I know a lot of people I talk to regularly still don't quite realize that I am not actually in the zoo program. I always get the question... "Wait... but aren't you going to school there already?". Well, yes and no. I am taking some of the basic Animal Science classes they open up to regular students... but I am definitely not in the program. The program itself is a 7 day a week commitment complete with a uniform and actual animal interaction. I basically just read books, go to class and take tests. Only a portion of what the zoo students actually do.

I got the e-mail while at school, a good 30 minutes before I had to go to the zoo campus for class. Almost immediately upon getting the e-mail my heart started pounding so hard that I could hear it in my head. I left the building I was in and proceeded to sob like a baby, dramatically sliding down the side of the building until I collapsed on the floor like a pile of limp laundry. Dramatic? Oh yes. I am not someone who likes to flaunt my sadness around, and I hate public displays of emotions that draw attention. I don't like the attention. It was embarrassing.

It sounds especially over dramatic when you consider that I was at least getting put on a wait-list. It wasn't an outright NO, that's true. But the wait-list is over 90 people long, which doesn't exactly instill a sense of hope. I will find out my exact number on the wait-list sometime next week.

I debated not going to class. It is my favorite class(Primate Behavior),  but the thought of going to class immediately after and having to face my EATM friends amidst fellow classmates that I know just got accepted made me feel nauseous. I decided to go anyway.

As I was walking into the zoo grounds one of the EATM students passing me told me to make sure to answer my phone if it rings in a rather cheery tone. Salt. Wound.

I spent a good deal of time washing my face and trying to look strong. I was doing rather well until I saw my friend Kristen in front of the classroom. The waterworks continued to flow with every single EATM buddy I knew that came and gave me big, sincere hugs and words of hope. I really like these people. They are wonderful people. They welcomed me into their world even though I wasn't "one" of them. A huge part of why I am most sad to not get in this year is because I wanted to continue to see and work with this class of people. This is my dream, and I know I will go through this program eventually, but these people will be gone after next year.

It feels like almost every other prospie I knew from my classes got into the program. I know that's probably an overstatement, but most of them did.

Overall I was glad I went to class. I did not end up feeling embarrassed like I thought I would. I felt really loved. People were so supportive and were so kind to me, and riled up for me. If anything it just solidified to me even more how badly I want to be there, to not give up hope.

I don't fail in things very often. Before this, I had never gotten a rejection letter from a school I applied to, I never get a bad grade on a test, and I do well at a lot of things. I am a classic overachiever. Maybe that is why this stung so hard. In my gut, I believe that if you try at something hard enough, that you can do it. I tell this to people all the time. In this case, no matter how hard I tried, how well I did in my classes, how far I have come to get here, it all didn't matter. My decision was literally left to the luck of the draw. Complete, random, lottery process. It just seems so unfair.

There are a lot of wonderful people that got in. People that have been waiting longer than me, people that have applied 3 or more times.

There is still a sliver of hope for me. Every year a bunch of people decide not to start the program and the first 1-10 on the wait-list have a very good chance of getting in. Some years it goes as high as 20. I am assuming it is another lottery to see what your number on the wait-list is. I have a small chance, and while I am trying to come up with a plan B for this year, a large part of me is hanging onto that hope.

Plan B was to try and find a job at a place like Underwood Farms and take the Horse/Equine classes at Pierce College while volunteering at a wild animal rescue of some kind until the year comes that I do get in to EATM.  Underwood is one of my favorite things about the area I live in; they have animal shows, pick your own produce, fall festivals... most of all it is a job where I can be active and work outside in an atmosphere I really enjoy. Pierce has classes where you can learn to train horses, ride horses, and care for horses. It's not the worst plan B in the world,  but I still hope for Plan A.

Chin up. I've been through worse in my life. I will carry on. This is not the last that school will see of me.

1 comment:

  1. I know their decision is completely up to their lottery and out of your control, but I know you Ness and I know you won't let that stop you. I wish I could have been there to console you as it breaks my heart when you're hurt but you can count on getting the biggest hug ever when I see you next month. I've said this before but I'll say it again, I believe in you. Always have and always will. And I love you very much.
    Love, Ness