Thursday, October 14, 2010

Zig Zag Road

An Aerial shot from my plane window on one of my numerous flights to and from Chicago
Sometimes I forget that I have been essentially living out of a suitcase for the past 2 years. It can be liberating realizing that the huge pile of stuff I have in storage is not necessary for my everyday life.
It appeals to the roaming nomad yearnings in me. Look at me! I have no ties! I can up and move wherever I want! Woohoo! If only I had an endless bank account that allowed me to take advantage of my loose rootedness, wah wah.

The other part of me can't stop thinking about finally having an apartment again. Ryan and I have been taking tours of apartment complexes for our move out in December/January. I daydream about getting an apartment, decorating it just the way I want.... a place where I can dance around in my underwear in the living room listening to embarrassing music. I want to fill my apartment with hanging plants and terrariums, cook curry at odd hours, and open all the windows when it rains. These are things you just don't do when you are trying to be considerate of your ever generous family that is letting you be a bum in their home. 

2 years. I can't believe it has been 2 years. So much has changed since then. Sometimes I look at how far friends I had in college have gone in their careers and lives and I feel like a stunted child. I am still in school, and it's not with the excuse of getting a Master's or PhD. People often mistake me for an 18 or 19 year old because I am in a community college, which makes me feel like I am going backwards. I have had dreams where I was suddenly transported into high school again, adults treating me like a teenager, not believing me when I tell them I am not. These sound like ridiculous emotions to be having. I feel silly for having them.

At the same time, I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, years. While I loved college, when I look back on it now, it seems like I was living someone else's choices. The relationships I made, the adventures I had, all very real and important and mine; but if I am entirely honest with myself, the real reason I chose to go to Northwestern was because Ryan was in Chicago, not because Northwestern had always been my dream school, not because I always wanted to be a great film Director. I always hated to admit that, it seems so silly and girly and lovesick, but it is true. I am ok saying that now because I know I made the right decision for me. I would never change my decision, wish that I hadn't gone to film school, or redo anything. It was an experience and part of my life that was vital to me.

My main point here is that I am finally learning that there is not a perfect path to follow to get to an end. No Recipe. No order. I have been sporadically panicking that when all is said and done, all my efforts this year could end up in me not getting accepted into the Exotic Animal program at my school. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort, no matter how badly I want it... the selection is at random. What if I don't get in?

As hard as it is to accept, I can't worry about things that are out of my control. It may take a while, I may not take the straightest, quickest, and easiest path, but eventually I will get there. And I better damn well enjoy myself along the way.


  1. Interesting - I moved with all my stuff about seven times in the last two years into different apartments. During that time I got rid of about 2/3 of my stuff, boiling it all down to what I really need. Now, about two cab drives and all my stuff is moved (except for the matress...). No furniture, just boxes. At the moment I am living on a couch and my moving times will end with december. The feeling of independence can fill one, but the lack of a place one can call 'home' can really exhausting in the meaning of soul-emaciating. But as it seems this will have an end in about six weeks from now on.

    So I wish you all the best for your new home and apartment !

    And as always - my honest admiration: your photography really rocks. The way you capture things visually.

    All the best for whatever come across your way. You'll make it. I'm sure.
    And as always - my honest admiration: your photography really rocks. The way you capture things visually.

    All the best for whatever come across your way. You'll make it. I'm sure.

  2. And I'm sure you wouldn't trade living in Chicago for 4 years for anything in the world!

    I always tell myself that it's all about the journey, not the destination :)