When I got home from a late shift a few nights ago, smelling like stale popcorn and preserved Sheep Brains(more on that later), he was waiting in the driveway with a look of glee on his face and said to me....
"Wanna go look for frogs?"
Unfortunately a series of cars driving by terrified the usually loud frogs nearby into silence, and we weren't able to track them down with our little flashlight in the middle of the night. That's besides the point, the point being, no matter how small the event, I love that he asked me to do something I haven't done since I was about 10 years old. When I was a kid, we used to go look for frogs all the time, and I don't really remember why I ever stopped. Childishness is fantastic, oh so healthy, and extremely gratifying.
One of my fondest memories from this past week has been throwing around a giant beach ball in my friend Alissa's house with a bunch of my good friends. We knocked over glass candle holders, tipped lamps over, caused a bloody nose, and showered ourselves with ceiling popcorn... but hot damn it was so much fun.
Maybe it's because I love spring, and seeing the wildflowers blooming all over the place have put me in a really good mood lately, but I just feel really happy. I think I have been realizing in the last week or so, exactly what a good decision I made in going back to school. Cheesy as it is, as I was driving to school on Tuesday, top down and radio up playing Priscilla Ahn's Dream (so cliche it makes me sick,lol), and I was trying to sing along to the music, I couldn't because I kept getting really choked up. I couldn't stop smiling. I feel like a little part of myself has been muffled for years, the part of me that was so sure of what I wanted to do with my life as a child.
For me, growing up has been a journey to reunite my "adult" self with my childhood self. It's hard to demonize the path I was on, towards Big City life in the film/animation industry. The animation industry is full of delightful people, and going into film is already considered a dreamy thing to do... I felt mildy rebellious and like I was taking a chance on living the dream, but it just wasn't MY dream. It was not me. I tried to convince myself I would love living downtown, moving to New York, going out dancing, making movies... The majority of my life I had wanted to work with animals, there was no question. And somewhere along the way I decided I might try out film, because I might be good at it, I love making art, I really enjoyed editing my own home movies, and it seemed romantic. But I always wondered why I had to try and force myself to work even though I enjoyed what I eventually produced... albeit in that very gradeschool "look ma! I finished my school project! Aren't you proud?" Kind of way.
At heart I am someone who gets the greatest joy out of sitting in the woods with the people I love, laughing at rabbid racoons, riding horses, and letting my long hair get tangled and muddy. I am not naive enough to think every single day is going to be a walk in the park on my new path, that it is all daisies and fluffy bunnies... but I am sincerely enjoying the path now, and I am not having to force myself to work toward it to eventually enjoy some end. It's almost comical how identical my new wants match up with those that I had when I was 10 years old.
The child in me was right all along.
Still never fails to surprise me how simultaneously alike and different we are, Ness. It seems like we felt a lot of the same things working in our respective film biz areas. I really felt like I was living The Dream and seeing and doing really exciting things, but at the same time I just knew it wasn't for me. I didn't feel like the joy of getting to make movies was enough to keep me there, because something was missing. I guess it wasn't MY dream to make movies-- it was just to love them.
ReplyDeleteI've been encountering something lately that kind of befuddles me. When I was a film major and I was working at the studio, it didn't matter what I did, and people thought that I was oohhhh creative and eccentric and blah blah blah. Now that I'm on my way to becoming a teacher, no one seems think of me that way. I still do the exact same things and I'm still the same person, but because I no longer have the romantic titles of "film student" and "production assistant", people think I'm not that way anymore. Have you encountered that yet? --Alissa
That's amazing---- I was just driving home after work today with my top open (it's as close to a converts as I can get! lol), singing to music, and I was just smiling like crazy too!!!! It's amazing how nice of a drive Moorpark Rd. is, it's so much better than the freeway, it makes me feel like I am in another city, or another state! Just spending the morning with you made my whole day so much better. And trust me, we'll find those frogs!!!
ReplyDeleteLissiedoodle,
ReplyDeleteIt's terribly sad that something as simple as changing a major or career can change people's opinion of you, but it's true isn't it?
I have noticed that people(mostly at work, who don't know me super well) now think of me as a sciency nerd since I am an animal science major in school... and no one ever assumed I was very smart before when I mentioned I was an art/film major.
I haven't encountered a lack of people telling me I am creative or artsy since I haven't stopped doing art and film entirely yet(and I still will be doing art, just more for myself than for a profit or for other people), and I always have photos or art going on in some form... I do get a sort of joy out of people recognizing an artsiness to me, I get a sense of pride in it... and I can't say that I don't try and show it to people if I think they are seeing only one side of me. I think it hasn't been that clean of a cut for me since I am not entirely giving up art, just mainstream film. The funny thing is, I never really considered myself very artistic until the end of high school... since before I took AP drawing, I never thought I could draw(it all looked like my telestrations... which doesn't really show much now does it,lolol). Isn't it strange how we also tend to place ourselves in boxes and label ourselves?